#27 The Power of Couplehood with Carl and Brittaney Coffey
BIO
In addition to Carl's professional accomplishments (Six Sigma Consultant at United Health and his leadership role on the board of National Stuttering Association) Carl cleans-up real nice, sporting the bow tie and vest with dance moves to match.
Recently featured on national television, Carl makes time to lead next gen efforts to advocate and offer supportive programming for parents, kids, teens and adults who stutter - for today, and for the future tomorrow.
Listen to this episode on Apple Podcasts, Spotify, Google Podcasts or your favorite podcast platform. You can also watch the interview on YouTube.
EPISODE HIGHLIGHTS
00:00 - 6:00 How to work with clients who want to be “FIXED“?
6:00 - 21:00 HOW TO STUTTER CONFIDENTLY
21:00 - 25:00 BRITTANY JOINS!
25:00 - 31:00 She knew I stuttered and I didn’t know that she knew...
31:00 - 39:00 Our experience with a jerk
39:00 - 48:00 How do I find LOVE and SUPPORT?
48:00 - 56:00 Finding your tribe
56:00 - 1:00:00 Stuttering as a social filter
1:00:00 - 1:04:00 Which comes first: self-acceptance or putting yourself out there?
1:04:00 - 1:07:00 HOW TO REACT when you hear someone stuttering
1:07:00 - 1:09:00 The COURAGE it takes to stutter openly and unapologetically
1:09:00 - 1:12:00 There is no “perfect”
1:12:00 - 1:16:00 Final thoughts
RESOURCE LIST
National Stuttering Association -Carl Coffey
Transcending Stuttering Academy and Self-Guided Online Video Course
MORE QUOTES
“If we could just get to the point of stuttering being something like an accent and not something to, think of it as something bad or dirty, like it's just how people talk. that will be perfect. That will be an ideal state world.” - Carl Coffey
“I thought stuttering is the worst of the worst and I'd imagine what all I'd be able to do, what I'd be able to accomplish if I didn't stutter. And that way of thinking was really harmful for me because it was really portraying stuttering as this is the one thing that's holding me back, but it wasn't my stuttering that was holding me back. It was my mindset and how I approached stuttering.” - Carl Coffey
TRANSCRIPTION:
Uri Schneider: And here we are Booz deja VU.
Carl Coffey: It's like we never left.
Uri Schneider: It's like we never left more alive than zoom would suggest in case you watched the first. That was my intro last time. we have no idea what time it is between time zones and the clock changes. I know that wherever we are, it's too early, but I thought I'd bring out the spirit of Kentucky, a little bullet.
Bri. I know that Carl off-camera has, is Woodford reserve bourbon. That's his fav. Yes, it is. But I'll be just drinking something clear. This is my seltzer. My name is Laurie Schneider lead at Schneider speech. love to learn and then bring it forward, into what we can learn from listening to each other.
And then the amazing ways we can. We can push our comfort zones, explore things in a different way. It's so important to get a little bit outside of our own heads, wherever we operate, you can only solve a problem when you come at it fresh. So I love these conversations, especially. it says a lot to, this is the first one where we're double-dipping and that was by popular request our conversation with Carl labor day.
and if you were keeping track, he had celebrated his anniversary. He's married now for one year, one month and three days. If I got it right,
Carl Coffey: you are much more on it than I am out. I'll have to keep that a mental note so I can surprise my wife with it and let her know later.
Uri Schneider: I have a little counter going with the, how many days I'm married and I've added you next to it, just to give you little reminders along the way.
And that brings us to another exciting point, which is we will have the privilege this morning to hear from Carl coffee. I'll, share. Who we're talking to in case you missed it the first round, or you didn't see the bio, but Carl is just an exceptional, outstanding person. He happens to be a person who stutters, professionally.
He is a six Sigma consultant at United health. He is in the leadership of an, on the board of the national stuttering association. He has recently, done things internally. At the national setting association, as well as running all kinds of programs that are happening online, ongoing check it out. We stuttered.org is the website of the organization.
He's also been featured on television as a spokesperson for the organization and the topic of stuttering. And it is a big tree to have Carlton and rumor. We may be in for a treat of a special guest popping in to join. And so I don't want to spoil it just yet.
Carl Coffey: Welcome Carl. Thank you. I've been trying to share on the backend on Facebook and I think I've shared what my little fingers will allow me to.
So I'm here. thank you for having me. It's been, awesome. being a part of this series and I think you've been doing really great work and having really good conversations. So I'm honored and excited to be back.
Uri Schneider: thank you for that. I'll let you know that feedback is welcomed. I decided that we share these conversations with the Facebook universe and with the world, and we got the playback within a few hours or days.
It's up on our blog page on Schneider speech.com/our blog. You can see all the conversations and we're trying to take. good like podcast notes and everything, but you can play it all back for free. It's always accessible. It helps the people in these conversations when you share. So share it on social comment, like engage.
But most importantly, towards the end of the year, I'm hoping that we're going to do what most podcasts do, which is create like a highlight reel. if you have something that you like from today's conversation or from Carl's conversation on labor day or from any of the other 26 conversations we've had till now, we would love for you to drop a line, let us know, the excerpt or the episode and the minute, and we'll try to compile something really special, but we can only do it together.
So I invite everybody to share that, but Carl, I listened to some of our talk a second, third, fourth time I picked up lots of gems along the way. but I know you had some things that you might want to dive into. Some things you want to ask me, some things you might want to share. I'll kick it to you and let you take it where it goes.
And then you let me know if we have that special guest making an appearance.
Carl Coffey: Definitely. I think the special guests is excited for their time in the spotlight, but, so I had some questions, that I wanted to get your perspective from an SLPs point of view. there's a lot of different.
Stuttering groups on Facebook and people at different points in there. And their stuttering journey. some people who are just first understanding that there is a wealth of other people who stutter and resources that are available online, and then, people who were at that stage where they've accepted their center.
And now they're, just looking for that support and kind of. Being around people who get it. and I oftentimes see people at that beginning stage where they feel, and they felt alone for a really long time. And to them stuttering as a burden, it's like the worst thing is managed them imaginable.
And I know that, a lot of us, a lot of people have been there. and I just kinda. Want to know from a clinician's perspective, if you see a person that comes into your office or gets in contact with you, for speech therapy services, what do you say to that person that is at that point of, Hey doc, I need you to fix me.
there's something inherently wrong with me. I hate stuttering. I just want it to be gone. How do you approach them and work with them?
Uri Schneider: That's a profound question and I can only speak for myself maybe a little bit, on for our team, but I think every therapist should consider, how do you engage that question?
from my point of view, it's important to have a framework to give us, our navigational intelligence along the way. And I think it's really helpful the same way we know the iceberg. Is a really helpful frame to understanding those experiences above the surface and those experiences beneath the surface things you could see in here and things that are just as relevant or even more relevant sometimes that are the thoughts.
And the feeling was in the attitudes. I think that the dance, weaving together and integrating acceptance with moving things forward. To me. That's what it's all about. So when someone comes in and they say, listen, this is the problem. I need you to fix this on the one hand, I don't want to feed into that narrative that they're broken and they need fixing.
I don't want to feed into the narrative that I'm the fixer, I'm the fix-it shop. I'm the mechanic. I don't want to feed into that narrative. And at the same time, Who am I like I just met this person. I need, and all along the way to really respect the person where they're coming from. I've been in more than one situation, but this is one where there might be something someone says at the beginning of a conversation and off the bat, something rubs be funny, or I have a hard time kind of buying into that.
but it's important as a therapist. And I think for all of us as listeners in uncomfortable conversations to hang in. And to allow things to unfold. so my response would be, I'm always thinking about accepting the person exactly as they are, where they're at for who they are. And then of course they're coming because there's something they want to move forward.
There's something they want to be bigger. They want to be better. They want to be less. Tethered less hindered, less limited, less bogged down. So there is something they want to change, but I want to convey to them that I can accept the frustration, the feeling that they might want to fix. If that's the word they use, very often.
And they'll say to me, I want to stop stuttering and I'll say, I hear you totally. and then what, let's say we get there. Then what would you want? What's your fantasy? Because in the end of the day, there's an easy way to stop stuttering. We all know it.
Carl Coffey: Stop speaking entirely.
Uri Schneider: Yeah.
that's the silver bullet. Most people aren't going on for it, because most people who stutter young people, adults, they have a lot to share. They want to speak. They don't want to stop stuttering. So there's an element of reframing, but I think we jumped there too quickly. I think we need to listen to people, listen to the words they use.
It actually tells you where they're at. And it's important to give that space and give that air because the magical thing about that is when you give it space, you give it air some of the tension and some of the resistance that will be there. If you push too hard against it. can be aired out and dissipate and then they're ready to listen when they feel that you're really aligned and when you're listening and when you're able to tolerate that.
So there's this interesting dance between acceptance. And I call it, self adjustment or self advancement. So I want to help them go further and move away from a narrative of brokenness or needing a fixed. Yeah. But I want to get there in due time. I don't want to jump the gun and I don't want to push my agenda before they're interested in listening.
Okay. So I seek to understand before being understood.
Carl Coffey: Yeah. Yeah. I think that's a really good point. A lot of great points. And there was something that you said that really stuck with me. And when you said, yeah, you want to stop stuttering, but then what's next after that, I think that for me, just speaking for myself, when I was in that place of thinking, Oh my gosh, stuttering is the worst.
And if I didn't stutter, look at all these things, I'd be able to do, that was my framework for a long time. And, I remember my dad told me something that stuck with me for a really long time, and we might've gone in this, the first time we spoke, but he said, even if you didn't stutter, you still would have.
Problems and issues, that your life's problems don't just go away. If you were to stop stuttering, like you'd still have other things that you were concerned about, you'd have to manage. look at it from a different perspective and that really hung true for me.
For a really long time. because for me, I thought stuttering is the worst of the worst and I'd imagine what all I'd be able to do, what I'd be able to accomplish if I didn't stutter. And that way of thinking was really harmful for me because it was really portraying stuttering as this is the one thing that's holding me back, but it wasn't my.
It wasn't my stuttering that was holding me back. It was my mindset and how I approached stuttering. and that was a really cool point that you made that kind of brought that experience back up for
Uri Schneider: me. Carl, I think the greatest compliment is that Doug Scott thought it was a good question
Carl Coffey: and he thought
Uri Schneider: it was a thoughtful response.
So just to shout out to some of the people that come on board, especially when Carl shows up Adam, big shout out, upstate New York, love you, man. Sabrina Delton, I know is a good buddy of yours. and Doug, and so please keep those comments and questions coming. I will do my best to monitor those and try to weave them in and keep it flowing over here, going with the flow.
but yeah, hit me with any other questions and I invite all my guests, but you're the first one to go for it. Any, anything you want to just go for it? Nothing. No holds barred.
Carl Coffey: Awesome. Awesome. Yeah, that was the only thing that I can think of, front and center that really, that really stuck out to me because I've got you here, and I know that you've got all of this experience, so I really just wanted to get your perspective just because,
Uri Schneider: that's
Carl Coffey: a lot of times the most pressing.
Thing that I see in a lot of people's minds who are just new to understanding all of the wealth of people who also stutter in the world. And just the fact that there's such a vast community of people, that seems to be that, Hey, I finally found people who get it, how do I fix it? And it's you figured that out, that is the million dollar, the million dollar question.
That we seek to answer, and something that works for one person may not necessarily be the approach that's gonna work for you. So it really is trying to figure out what's gonna work best for you. And I'm sure you, you probably have to, let people know that as well. You know what works for one, one client in therapy may not be that same approach that you take with someone
Uri Schneider: a hundred percent, in the end of the day, doesn't it boil down to common sense.
Because if you really meet every person where they're at, as a human being and you bring a lot of familiarity with narratives and stories that you've listened to of the experience of people who stutter the experience of being a black man and the experience of being a Jew. Whatever the stories are, but when you meet that person, you've never met this person
Carl Coffey: before
Uri Schneider: you bring that information.
So you're maybe hopefully a little bit more informed or maybe you're completely uninformed and you come with utter curiosity. I think that if we look at each other as one of a kind one in a million, we're going to get further. And I think, I would flip to you if you're interested, and I think Doug.
And others I'm interested when you're in the leadership role of a self-help or in facilitating a group of people who are coming, they all share this attribute that they have a stutter, let's say, and they come into the group on day one and say something like that, Hey, I'm here. this thing has really, this thing has really put me through a tough time.
okay. Now I'm ready to ask you all. How do you fix it?
Carl Coffey: Yeah. I would say. From the perspective of the national stuttering association, we want to meet people where they are in their stuttering journey. if you want to get to the point of saying, I hate stuttering and I want to learn how to speak more fluently, if that's your goal.
Awesome. let's figure out a way to help you feel more comfortable in speaking, I'm all for that. I am all for being the best. Communicator that you can be, whether it's, stuttering or, trying to move past stuttering, whatever that looks like for you. If you want to get to the point of, just saying, Hey, I know that I've got the stutter, how can I feel more comfortable with it?
What can I do to accept it? Hey, I am all there for you to, I realized that the path that we take is going to look different for different people. how can we best equip you with the tools, to. To really realistically get you to where you want to be, and for me, that's really the point that I want to let people know, it's not a, one-size a one size fits all approach.
what's gonna work for me is not going to work for other people. and so I just want to just say, Hey, we will meet you where you are, like, let's get some goals, If, and I think that point that you made, if you stop centering, what would your life look like then?
Like what would you want to do with that? I think a lot of people just think, Hey, once I cut out this, once I cut out this stuttering thing, my life will be perfect, but no, like you're always going to have problems. what do you want to do? What is important to you? I think coming at it from that perspective and really getting people to look.
Maybe a little bit further than what they had said, just saying, what do I want to do once I stopped centering, do I want to go out and, be someone who, has this job where I'm talking to people all day, do I just want to get more. Comfortable ordering at Starbucks.
what do I really want to get out of this? I think when you drill down to that perspective, it really gets people to say, what do I want? Like, why am I approaching it from this perspective? I really think we have to get folks to, ask those in. Ask those important questions and really understand like, why they're thinking the way they're thinking.
And then we can better know how to approach it.
Uri Schneider: An Epic chat with Kristin Camella. you were up there. One of my favorites, I'm going to mention another favorite, even though not supposed to say favorites, but Kristen came out and taught me a lot about problem solving and lately I was reflecting.
And it occurred to me, problem solving starts with the problem. Then you get to the solving and I think too soon we're solving before we understand the problem. Yeah. So I think if a person comes in, whether it's me or to a self port group, They're in the journey of grappling with something and they think this is the problem.
And they start whacking at that problem with all kinds of solutions for that problem. But really problem is over here. they are obviously not going to get the desired results. So I think as you pointed out, I think I don't want to give credit where credit's to Jane Frazier at the stuttering foundation of America.
And the opportunity I had to participate many years ago at the Eastern conference with Francis cook and Willie butter all from the payment center out in London. And the idea of solution-focused brief therapy and the way they integrate that. And one of the questions they ask is that question, tomorrow you wake up, you don't stutter.
what would you do who would notice? And that starts to shift. From whacking away at fixing stuttering, stopping stuttering, learning and techniques for the sake of learning techniques in the office. And I think that's why, unfortunately, so many people who've had very disappointing experiences in all kinds of places because maybe, perhaps, I don't hold the answer, but I'm saying if you're trying to fix the wrong problem.
Even if yourself, that you're not going to reach the promise land. I think if we hone in on what is it we really want, and we recognize as my dad always says, stuttering is not a speech problem. It's a communication problem. And it can be something that can impede and impair your ability to connect, to communicate freely with others.
that's where it really impacts. And so if we just stick it, speech based solutions, We're looking for speech based solutions. We're looking for devices and for apps that are going to train us clinically in a good way to get a handle on the speech problem. But we still hesitate approaching, the guy or the girl we're interested.
We still hesitate going for that job. We want, we haven't really gotten to the problem, which is we're still not pursuing the things we feel we're destined to, or the things we really want. And sometimes the solutions to that. Are multifactorial. They involve speech, they involve fluency. They could involve confidence.
They can involve things beyond the scope of how fluent your speech is. But definitely I think identifying the problem before you go into the solution is so important and helping people see that, like really unpacking the problem. So in our recent iteration of the framework, the self knowledge is that first step.
And part of that is how are you showing up as a communicator? Both in terms of fluency in terms of openness, in terms of being direct in terms of the other things that you bring in body, language, intonation, and presence. so many of those things are so important. And even if you don't stutter, if you're missing some of those or those things get all tense, you might take yourself out of the game.
Your game is to connect the game is to be yeah, that's what I have to think.
Carl Coffey: that really brought me to an interesting experience that I had this past week at work that I kinda like to share. I was presenting at our team, meeting where, you know, I think it was someone else's turn on my team to present, but this person was out.
And so one of my, one of my. Teammates had reached out and said, Hey Carl, can you present this week? And so I was not prepared at all. So I had to, put all of this stuff, to gather for the team meeting. And then, before the team meeting, I was really stressing. Cause I'm like, Oh my gosh.
I don't feel like I'm as prepared as I would like to be. Which for me was a shift because previously I would say, Oh my gosh, I don't want to stutter in front of all these people in, what am I going to do? How am I going to try and limit my stuttering? But now I was just like, man, I don't feel as prepared as I would.
Like to be, what can I, let me make sure that what I'm saying makes sense. And so when it came to be my turn to present in the team meeting, it was a call of probably 30 or so people. And I point blank, I introduced myself and, my. Topic. And I said, as some of you may know my name's Carl, a person who stutters.
So if you do hear, any pauses or, breaks in my speech, just know that I'm still here. It might just take you a bit longer to hear all my great ideas or something. And I think that's, that form of dis that form of. Disclosure is what I got from, is what I got from, Nina Jean.
And so I decided, Hey, I'm gonna use that approach. and that really helped me just to grow myself and be confident and just saying, Hey, you know this information, it's your job to share this information with people. And yes, it may come out disfluent but Hey, you know what?
You're here to do. This is your job. And it all, it's still. Amazes me years later, being on this stuttering journey, how liberating it is just to own that thing. And that part of me that for so long, I tried to hide from and just saying, Hey, I'm a person who stutters and really being an apologetic about it.
Like for a long time, I used to be very much. Hey, I saw her, I stutter. I'm sorry that you have to hear me. I was very much, I didn't like it. I wanted to hide from it now. I just put it on the table. I say, yeah, I stutter. I'm okay with it. And you should be too. And for me, that such a liberating thing.
And I got through my presentation. I shared wanting to just share, and it just went, it went to show me like, man, five, 10, Years ago. I don't know if I would have been as confident and comfortable with being so vulnerable in front of other people and, in being able to share that, I was very much big, big, big, and sky.
And so whenever I sense that. Oh, my gosh, I'm going to have a bad day. It was stuttering. I would just try and cut off any type of communication. I could if I had plans with my friends, I would just say, Hey guys, I'm not feeling well. And I really regret that because my friends, it was a joke as, Oh, we are, we are.
We're going to invite Carl somewhere, but he's probably not going to come because he's a flake. I really did want to come. I just felt man, I just don't want these people to see me stuttering. I don't want to hold up the, conversation and just have that be the thing, and it really took me a long time to get to the point of being like, you know what?
I deserve respect. I should respect myself and just say, this is how I talk and the people who love and, and, Appreciate me are going to be O K with it. And the ones that aren't, those aren't my people, but it really took me, a long time to get here. And, it, that.
That really reminded me of a conversation that I had with my wife, which I would like to bring her on she's our special guest. yeah. Boom cat is out of the bag. Y'all it's it's my wife.
Uri Schneider: Okay. Yeah, two cats and one dog, but there's only one. Mrs. Coffee.
Carl Coffey: One
Uri Schneider: of welcome. Give a big round of applause and a wonderful welcome to Brittany coffee.
It's, it's not simple to have a rock star husband, but we all know behind every great man. Is an amazing woman that makes them greater. So welcome and good morning, Brittany. And thanks for joining us on this early morning, who knew? So it says, no,
Carl Coffey: I'm sure. I'm sure that, most people probably knew, but yeah.
I was just gonna share, I was going to get her to share, a story as well, of when we first started to date and when, it got serious and I felt like, I've got to be. Straightforward with her. I've got to let her know about this. And so I
Uri Schneider: just stayed with this app.
This was on like hello, or this was in
Carl Coffey: no. So we had known each other for a pretty long time. And, I actually asked her to be my girlfriend once and she told me no. Because she wasn't sure if I was a serious enough and if I was committed enough, which she is yeah, very smart. And
Uri Schneider: we do it, the stutter,
Carl Coffey: nothing to do with the Sutter.
It's just that we lived 10 hours apart at the time. And she was like, dude, I have seen you a handful of times in the past few years. Like, why do you want, what is this going to be? and I was just like, wow, like, How could she say no to me? I think I'm a catch, but we had been dating at this point when I had talked to her about it.
We've been dating for a few months at this point. And, I thought that I was able to, yep,
Uri Schneider: brother, I just want to tell you how connected we are. My wife also, I thought I had the most romantic pitch ever. And I'm like, that's it I'm set. We're going to get married. She's like, why don't you go do that summer camp in Russia that you were going to do chill out and see how you feel when you come back.
And I was like, I'm set.
Carl Coffey: This is it. We're
Uri Schneider: on game on. Whoa. I didn't think I was such a catch. You thought you were a catch? but anyway, it's just funny. We have that shared experience. Yeah. So you had to think that through and come back and revisit it.
Carl Coffey: Yeah. Yeah. But, we had been. Dating now for a few months at this point.
And I was just, I thought that I was able to keep my, stuttering hidden from her. I thought that, Hey, there's no way that she knows I'm able to hide this very well. And I'm going to, I'm going to grab her and get her to come in so she can tell her side of the story.
Uri Schneider: Oh, no, there's no doubt.
She's in the other room watching on her phone waiting
Carl Coffey: to breakthrough. Hey, she was actually standing outside the door with a chair like, Hey, I'm just waiting for you to let me in. Hey,
Uri Schneider: y'all had the door locked. She's honey,
Carl Coffey: knock. I seem to be
Uri Schneider: the queen.
Carl Coffey: Screwing
Uri Schneider: coffee.
Carl Coffey: Hang on, buddy. Do you want to come in entering?
Uri Schneider: Oh, another special guests.
Carl Coffey: I know, say, Hey buddy. He is the ham on the family for sure. Say, Hey buddy. Yes, it's us both in here. I'm sorry. You were going to have to be without us for maybe a few minutes. Could we, I'm sorry.
Uri Schneider: I just want to invite everybody. I know there's a lot of people here. We got some great comments that I'm going to come back to.
But if you have questions, please post your questions. Please post your comments, your likes. I see you. I see your comments. I like Mark's question. I know that Adam wants to give a big welcome. Awesome. Tim, miss Brittany coffee. So keep your questions coming. Yeah, the relationships you name it. welcome.
Good morning.
Brittney Coffey: Good morning. I was lurking behind the door.
Carl Coffey: I know. I was like, where is she at? And I opened the door and she's standing there with the chair.
Uri Schneider: What Carl's policy was in terms of letting you out, but he wanted to have the big reveal. so it is definitely a pleasure and a very big, big deal to have you, we have not had any, significant others.
And I think that you bring besides being an exceptional human being on your own, right. I think for a lot of people, it's interesting, first of all, knowing Carl and what a hero and role model he is for so many in the community to see. Who keeps him company, and also, certainly the perspective that you bring very special.
And I promise you, I will always keep him on his toes with remembering the anniversary October 28th.
Brittney Coffey: I appreciate
Uri Schneider: on it. welcome. Good morning.
Carl Coffey: Did you hear me talking about the experience of first, when you, said no, to be my girlfriend and I was distraught, I was like, what.
do you want to talk about that?
I guess?
Brittney Coffey: Okay. I don't know, like the reason I said no was because it wasn't because I didn't think that we would work at all. Like I, for some reason knew that. When I, if I said yes, that this was gonna be something like, it was very serious and I wanted to make sure I was ready. Like I was just out of a relationship and we were
Carl Coffey: both literally,
Brittney Coffey: and we were like 10 hours apart.
so I was just thinking. I need to wait and make sure this is what I want, because I could feel
Carl Coffey: like,
Brittney Coffey: okay, this is going to be something.
Carl Coffey: He is a force and he's serious.
Brittney Coffey: And I'm very much a person that just like weights and thinks about it and ponders for awhile.
Carl Coffey: And then
Brittney Coffey: I give an answer and he's very much let's do this.
Let's do it right now. that's why I
Uri Schneider: said
Brittney Coffey: it wasn't because I didn't like you.
Carl Coffey: I just was like, Oh my God, I've been told no, it just, it really made me take a step back. But I was sharing the experience of when I came out to you as a person who stutters and how I was like, Oh, I got something to tell you doesn't know how to approach this and tell him, tell us about
Brittney Coffey: that.
Okay. So I knew that you stuttered. Before we started dating. I'm not sure if you know this story or not, but where you were
Uri Schneider: at, this is story time. Everybody is hearing the story straight from you. Maybe you want to, if you don't have to, we can put Carl on the other side of the door and you get the, I can't know,
Brittney Coffey: but
Uri Schneider: we want to hear from you, Brittany.
We want to hear it from you from the source.
Brittney Coffey: This is the first time I've worn makeup since the pandemic.
I guess like whenever we were at our family's school reunion, We weren't dating. Like we were still in relationships with other people, but we were hanging out at that school reunion.
And I remember it, it was yesterday, like the music was really loud and the DJ was going and he leaned over to say something to me and he stuttered a little bit and it was the only stutter I heard, but I caught it because I teach kindergarten. So it's my job to listen for disfluencies and things like that.
and I was just like, Oh, that's something, but. That was it. And I knew that he stuttered and I was just waiting for him to tell me, and I thought it was a big deal because I was ready to waiting to tell him that, Oh my gosh, like I have anxiety. And that was my big thing that I wanted to tell him.
And so it's funny that he was also waiting to tell me about the stutter that we both thought was a big deal. And then we were both just I don't care.
Carl Coffey: Yeah. Yeah.
Uri Schneider: So Carl was sewing around this thing that he was waiting for the right moment, if and when to let you know something that he was holding in and you were like holding something about yourself, that you also were waiting, figuring how to share and then boom, he comes out with this, but you already had identified by that.
Carl, did you already have an inkling of a Brittany was holding.
Carl Coffey: Yeah. I think we hit like talk. She had shared with me, about her anxiety, but was it in the same way as her approach to my stuttering? I was like, I don't care. it makes me love you more because you are able to be so you're able to be And vulnerable and share that part of me.
And I remember when I told you about my stuttering, it was to me, I built up all this courage and I was like, Oh my gosh, I don't know if you know this. And this is a big deal for me to share. And you probably don't know, but I stutter. And remember your response was like, I know I was just waiting for you to let me know and be comfortable with that.
And that blew my mind because I'm like, she knows, I thought I was doing such a good job at keeping it under wraps and she didn't know. And I thought I was great at hiding it, which. Sometimes I can hide it pretty well. Like I know that there are people that I've talked to, like your coworkers I've talked to you and I've been able to switch words or whatever, and they don't know and you'll tell them I stutter and they're like, what?
And so I thought. I was able to do this so well, but I guess if you are talking to someone every day, over the course of months, and talking to them for hours on end, you're probably gonna find,
Brittney Coffey: and we were long distance for a while. So we talked a whole lot and to me, your voice is very calming.
And so I know sometimes you don't like your stutter.
Carl Coffey: Excellent.
Brittney Coffey: Anyway, I know some top
Uri Schneider: stroke, the guys. Yeah. So you find his speech is calming.
Brittney Coffey: Yes. And I just feel like without it, it wouldn't be his voice.
Carl Coffey: Yeah. Yeah. And it's,
Uri Schneider: and all stuttering, all his words, his message, his cadence, his delivery for you is very calming.
And if he didn't have the stutter, you'd feel something was missing.
Brittney Coffey: Yeah. Cause that's just a part of you. It always has been.
Carl Coffey: yeah. And that's how I feel
Brittney Coffey: about it.
Carl Coffey: That's awesome. And that kind of reminds me of something that Doug Scott and I have talked about a lot. Don't know Doug is still watching, but
Uri Schneider: Oh, he's here.
He's got questions,
Carl Coffey: Jose questions. Awesome. I was going to up on the spot as well, because we've talked about this, that this kind of, if we didn't set her, what kind of people would we be? And what has having a stutter, like how has that shaped us as people? And, I know that I am a very impatient person.
I can be very impulsive if you've been in the car with me. No, that in traffic, I'm a completely different person in this. So seemingly calm person I am now. I feel if I didn't stutter, if I didn't have this thing that has made me very thoughtful and patient and other ways and Thoughtful empathetic. Like I would be a jerk. I feel I would be like, Oh, I am just this macho man. And I'm attractive. And I've got it all going on. I feel like, yeah, it keeps me, I can't keeps me humble in a way, and I've, for me, to me that's just such a cool thing, because I feel like I can relate better to people because I've got something that, I wear.
and it's pretty easy to see. And so this makes me, feel like I can feel like I can relate to people and understand what they're going through. and I know Doug has said that same thing. It's helped us to see people, better. And, I feel if I didn't stutter, I probably will be a big jerk.
And I know that you said, if we knew each. Other in college, you could see me being in this big guy on campus and just being like this loud person, which is
Brittney Coffey: a ham.
Carl Coffey: I am totally,
Uri Schneider: I have this obvious line. I like, I think it works well. The car with what you were saying about, sometimes our kryptonite is also our superpower.
and I know that, thug is here. He said, yes, sir. Agreeing with what you shared. And, Chris Constantino as a beautiful light talk to stuttering gains, obviously at a certain point in the journey, not in the toughest of times, but in certain times you can really reflect and think about what are some things that are some gains from this, experience.
it's certainly not all peaches and cream, but it's not all bad. and as Carl you're pointing out, so Anita Blom is also here. which is amazing. Yeah. cool. yeah, but from you, Brittany, why don't we give you like an uninterrupted turn? What have you, I don't know. What's challenging.
Are there any things that you find challenging, with the stuttering or with the work that has brought you into the network of the global community of people who stutter? Is it all easy? Is there anything that's hard. Is there anything, that's something you want to share? Like the other side of it, besides the endearing calm curls?
Brittney Coffey: I don't think it's a challenge. I'm a very patient person. Like I'll work with five and six year
Uri Schneider: olds.
Brittney Coffey: So it's not really a challenge. I would just say.
I don't know how to say it,
Carl Coffey: but do you remember when we were on our, when we were on our honeymoon and we happened to meet another guy who stuttered, he was at our table. Tell him about that experience. That was probably the first time that you've seen me in a very like vulnerable state when it comes to stuttering.
Brittney Coffey: Yeah. So we were on our cruise and we were like in a, we were at, in the dining room with a group of people talking. And are you talking about like the waiter came
Carl Coffey: up
Brittney Coffey: and the waiter came up and he, I think he asked what your name was, right?
Carl Coffey: Yeah. he asked us all our names and I was last. And so my heart,
Brittney Coffey: and so Carl started like, Blocking is that the word pretty badly?
And I remember that, cause I was just like, Oh, no, this guy better not say anything, like it's more of a protective sort of thing instead of challenging, like I just feel more protective and he was kinda like, Oh, did you forget your name? And I was just like, okay, come on. I guess that part is challenging because I try to just let you speak for yourself, not speak for you at all.
Like you've had your stutter long before you met me. I guess sometimes it's kind kinda hard to just Keep my mouth closed. That was
Uri Schneider: what I was
Brittney Coffey: but I don't know he's he does really well at those situations. And
Carl Coffey: there's no
Uri Schneider: question. Carl is a rockstar. There's no question about that. being married to a woman who I find to be a rockstar, my wife, I could just say it's not easy sometimes to know.
You know how to be the good spouse. So I think the challenge I was curious about, which is very common for people who start are like what they want the other person to do in different situations. So how have you navigated that? How have, in that situation you've had this feeling of, I hope that no one interrupts or steals the Mike, Do you find, have you navigated that together?
Have you had that work that out or you just go with what feels right check in later? Are you still figuring it out? Like I think for people that don't stutter when you're in the presence of the other, knowing exactly in what way they want you to be an ally. Whether, because some people want you.
I have one young man who tells me if you definitely know the answer, like we're at a social function. And they asked me what school I go to and you know the name of the school. and I'm stuck and I can't say it to save the world. I want you to say it for me, but any other time, I would prefer that you just give me the dignity, the space to say it, because most of the time people get it wrong.
So that's a very, I wouldn't know that unless he told me that. And I'm interested in that experience for people who stutter recognize. Certainly not to take away the importance, but I think the conversation we don't always have is like what it's like to be a family member, a spouse, a friend, a teacher, and figuring that out to give the person what they want because no two people want exactly the same thing.
There's no one way. So I was just wondering, Brittany, how you grew up, slept on that.
Brittney Coffey: I've always just Let
Carl Coffey: him
Brittney Coffey: speak or do whatever he wants to do. And if there's something he needed me to do, I would do it. but my default is to just let him have that space and dignity and let him speak because he can speak better than me.
Like I'm actually the shy introvert one. Like I usually push him in front of the social situation.
Carl Coffey: And
Uri Schneider: yes.
Brittney Coffey: so that's just kinda my default just to be patient and. Let him say what he wants to say. Like I'm some people don't like when you speak for them. I don't like when people speak for me and to me, his stutters so normal.
And I just want it to be normalized for everybody. yeah, he stuttered. But he said, we had to say, just be, most people want to be patient. They just don't know.
Carl Coffey: They don't know what to do. Yeah. In that
Brittney Coffey: situation. so that's just kinda my kind of stand back and let him do it unless he. Has told me
Carl Coffey: specific
Uri Schneider: so much about the two of you that makes me, and I think maybe some other people want to just move in to wherever you're living, whatever bubble you're in. Cause it's such a beautiful energy. Everything is okay. And I think most people are patient. I know Carlos family does go back to my roots in the Bronx and I would say the Bronx would be one place where not everybody has.
Okay, same kind of Southern hospitality and EA EAs. I'm wondering Brittany, for example, you seem to be, as you said, you have a lot of patients after all, you're an educator with five and six year olds. We could call you Saint Brittany. Like you're like no patient, but what about like some of your girlfriends or extended family or you get together socially with other couples or whatever?
In those situations. Do you ever come across someone who either raises an eyebrow or asks you like, Hey, or in a situation where you just want to know how to get to again, how to be a good advocate or ally? So between the two of you, it's been very fluid. I'm just putting out situations I hear about from people.
And I'm just wondering if any of that does anything you want to reflect on?
Carl Coffey: Can I, yeah, go ahead. Can I steal the ball? So I feel like I am. I don't know. I've been really self-sufficient for a long time. And I feel like I am very much a, this is who I am and I stuttered. So what it's taken me a long time to get to that point.
But when I was growing enough as a kid, like my parents would never order for me, they would like, they would push me into those situations not to be mean, but they always. approached it from the perspective of we're not going to be here and you were going to be an adult and have to do these things.
And so we're, it's going to be uncomfortable for you, but that's life, and I think this is, that was that was my mom growing up in the Bronx. She's life is hard, get over it. You're going to have to figure it out. So we're gonna be here to support you and we're going to pump you up and tell you it's okay, but you're going to have to still do it.
So do it. and I used to hate it as a kid, but I feel like for me, that's helped me. Just say, you know what? This is hard and putting myself out there and being vulnerable and having my words stuck and looking at the person, looking at me, knowing what I want to say and just saying, Oh, it's stuck.
Like for me, that's, that can be really difficult. But I think that I've just said, look. I don't need you to speak for me. I can do it. and I think that for me, that's just how I am. And so I think for Brittany, she's just I'm here if you need me, but I know you don't need me, So I'm glad to have that support if I need it. But I've for a long time, been like, Hey, look, I stutter. And I've had a few experiences where I've had people laugh at me and I just say, Hey, I stutter. And I just look them dead in the eye and very calm and. To me. I found that when I'm that way, people, at times, as Brittany said, they don't know how to react because they have never met someone who stutters.
So they don't know what's going on. Especially if I've been talking to someone like I can talk to someone for a while and they'll ask me a question like, Hey, what's your name? Where are you from? And those questions that you can't change. That's typically when I have those blocks. And so I can really see people being confused then.
Cause they're like, I've been talking to this guy for five minutes and I haven't heard anything. And now I asked him his name and he can't say it. What? so I can get that confusion. But I also just say, Hey, yeah, I stutter. And it doesn't come out all the same way all the time. so I try my best to really educate people and let them know.
So I feel like that kind of makes
Uri Schneider: you it's a bit, Brittany, I'm going to flip it to you. I just want to frame it. The other way. So like Anita Blom set here, beautiful comment from Sweden. She said that she wishes stuttering would be so normal that people wouldn't dare ask. Do you want me to help in such a way that takes away that dignity?
She also said she would hope that we, whoever we are would have the courage to advocate for what we want, what we don't want to, but we'd have, we would dare to say. here's what I want for, here's what I don't want to happen. So since you're so comfortable, Carl and Brittany, you're married to such an extraordinary man, and you're such a tuned in connected, amazing woman.
let's go the other way. So there were, there was a Carl that didn't use to be this way, or there's a Carl out there. Who's not yet where Carl coffees at. and he thinks he'll never be able to get married. He thinks no woman ever. Want to be married to someone who trips over his word.
Sometimes he doesn't think that it would be feasible to sit at a table at a cruise and have that experience now, not just his own experience, but now sharing that with his spouse, for some people that is such a mortifying thought. So I'm wondering if you, Brittany or Carl could share for the person who's in that kind of mindset.
I think in a way, Brittany, you have wisdom here that exceeds anyone else. Certainly more than me, like as a woman, as a spouse, as a partner, just any thoughts about that as encouragement for someone who is holding back in relationships, go into the next level because of that fear, they don't want to put their spouse through it.
They don't want to put that burden. They don't want to share that embarrassment, that shame that they might've felt any wisdom you might share. It's not cheesy, but like really true and insightful.
Brittney Coffey: Sure.
Carl Coffey: I
Uri Schneider: don't know. I just feel like
Brittney Coffey: if you're going to be in a relationship with somebody, the stuttering shouldn't be a consideration.
And so if it is. Maybe you shouldn't be, I don't know, shouldn't be with that person just because for me, when I was getting in a relationship with you, it was because of your personality. It was, because of how you made me feel and how I felt safe and secure it, stuttering wasn't even like a part of my inner thoughts.
And so I just feel like, I don't know, just find somebody that. Cares for you as a person? just like me, like I have anxiety. I wouldn't want anybody to be in a relationship with me and consider my anxiety like a bull. I don't want to be with her. Like it wouldn't, I don't feel like that would be a true relationship.
So
Carl Coffey: yeah.
Brittney Coffey: There's somebody out there that cares, but doesn't care. Does that make sense?
Carl Coffey: yeah. I think from a perspective of a person who stutters, like there's so much as we talk about the, as we talk about the stuttering iceberg, there's so much that's underneath the surface that. A lot of people don't understand, like the fear, the shame, the embarrassment.
the stuff that you can see with stuttering is like just the stuttering. But I feel like so many people don't understand like the years and the experiences of, you try to hide it, you try to mask it. So I think part of it Along the lines of what Anita said, we have to advocate for ourselves and be comfortable and let people know Hey, this is a big deal to me.
I remember when I did that with you, we've been together for a few months and I felt okay, I'm in a place. Swear. I know that she is a good person and she's not going to judge me for this. I can share with her how I feel like that took me a few months to get to that place of being like, Hey, I stutter.
What you knew it. Oh my gosh. I didn't know that she knew it, but let me tell you how much it impacts me. I think that as that person who stutters or who deals with whatever thing you have, we have to be. Comfortable just sharing that with people and flooding them. No, because they can't read our minds.
Like they can't possibly know what we're going through, so we have to be, so we have to really be vulnerable and let that person know this is what I'm dealing with. And I think as you said, be like, I know for me, stuttering has also been a, has always been a great kind of way to filter people. based on your response, if you are like laughing at me and making fun of me, that kind of lets me know that you're not the kind of person that I want to be around, And so in that way, yeah. I'll see people post on Facebook and the, in the stuttering groups. I like this guy. I went on a date with this guy, but they laughed at my stuttering. I don't know if I'll be able to find a new one. what can I do? And, you feel bad because I'm like, you shouldn't feel that you need to be.
Treat it that way just to have someone, and so it really, to me, it really depends on where you are in terms of how you feel about your, stuttering and what you will, and you will not accept. And it. Takes people various points of time to get to that sweet spot.
But, I think just letting people know that whatever you're going through you are deserving of respect at a minimum, and you're going to find someone who respects you and, you were going to find someone it's just that you might have to look a little bit more, but, stuttering and anxiety and whatever you're going through.
It's a great way to filter. Who you want in your life and who you don't want to hear? I
Uri Schneider: feel like a teacher. I feel like a teacher. Mr. Coffee. Thank you.
Brittney Coffey: I
Uri Schneider: know she's missing. He raised her hand. We want to acknowledge her. I also want to acknowledge, we have a ton of people that are watching live, and I want to thank you all for sharing this early morning.
I already feel like we're on for part three to schedule, but, but if you have questions or things, please put it in the comments. Please leave your little reactions, your comments, your likes, whatever shares. This is an incredibly rich opportunity to hear some real wisdom straight from the source.
and absolutely we'll stay if it's okay with you guys in Kentucky, if we'll stay on for an extra five minutes or so, but I want to give the Florida mrs. Coffee, as long as she wants.
Carl Coffey: And
Brittney Coffey: I also think it's important to find somebody that's going to acknowledge you're stuttering and try to understand it and be curious about it and acknowledge how you feel and do what you need to do to help them feel more comfortable.
So when I say don't care, I don't mean don't care about it. I just mean our dogs are like animals, right? But just making sure that you're acknowledging how they feel and being curious about it and helping them when they need, and being there, if they need a break or helping them to feel comfortable to be themselves around you and center, however much they want around you and just be that safe space and calming space, a break from the world.
Carl Coffey: And that's for sure. What I feel like with you. Cause I feel like at home, I stutter way more than I do in public. Like I've, even though I've gotten to this point of where I'm like, I stutter, I don't care. I still try to speak. Like I still will try and use techniques if I'm at work and I'm giving a presentation, I'll try and use like.
Easy onset or I'll try and pull out of a book. Like I use those techniques to try and communicate well, but at home sometimes I'm just like, I'll be saying something and I'll just be stuttering up a storm. And I, you don't care like you are my safe space. And I know that I don't have to do anything or use techniques or whatever.
Like I just say what I want to say, how I want to say it. And to me, that is amazing. And I wish that everyone. Could have that experience, whether it's with a spouse or with your family. I know that there are people who say, like my family, they laugh at my stuttering and, I think that people just don't really know, but I am really grateful to have gotten to the point of finding someone that is curious about it and wants to know more about it and how they can be an, a resource and.
Ally for me, but also just I can just let my guard down. I don't have to worry about being judged or thinking, you know how I'm going to say something. I just feel awesome to have gotten to that point.
Brittney Coffey: Even if they find just a friend, like everybody needs a break from the world. Somebody.
Carl Coffey: Yeah.
Yeah. And I will say, I, I had said that when I was in college, like I would hide and I would avoid certain situations. And I remember, like I told one of my best friends, we, I, we had a falling out and, because he was upset that I had stood him up for something really big. And I was just going through it with my stuttering and we actually hadn't spoken for a few years and we actually reconnected when we were.
When we were going to get married and I had invited him to the wedding and I had reached out to him and I said, Hey, we haven't talked in a long time. I was going through my stuff. I just wanted you to know that I appreciate you as a friend. And he said something to me years later, where he was like, dude, I never cared about that.
I cared about you cause you are a person. And I enjoyed being around. And even just hearing that years later, it just reaffirmed to me that those who mind. Don't matter. So the people who care about it and are like, Ooh, you stutter. I don't want to wait two seconds. Those people don't matter. And the ones who matter, they don't mind.
And I know that it's super cheesy is that dr. Sue, this doctor and I was just saying there was a really good
Uri Schneider: what book let's see. Let's see which book we're thinking of. I know which one I'm thinking of. Who knows what book Brittany might be referring to niches.
Brittney Coffey: Is it snitches?
Carl Coffey: Dr. Sue. So you guys are tires
Uri Schneider: on the belly
Brittney Coffey: in my head, the one with the swirly lollipop thing, you guys are totally
Uri Schneider: all over the places we'll go
Brittney Coffey: from there.
Uri Schneider: Yeah.
Carl Coffey: Yeah.
Uri Schneider: On Thursday I spoke with Eric Raj and that was one of my references. Places we'll go. No, one's more Huish than you are. So don't be anybody
Carl Coffey: else.
Brittney Coffey: Yeah. And like the people that really care about you.
Carl Coffey: Yeah.
Uri Schneider: That's right. It is in there. It isn't there, but he go ahead. Yeah, that's
Brittney Coffey: all. I was just going to say, I've noticed the people that really care about you don't care about stuttering or your anxiety or your this and that you think they do because in your head you're stuck in your head.
You think everybody's like thinking about your stutter or your anxiety or whatever you have this big secret, but they're not usually in the people that really love you are definitely not thinking about it. As much as you are.
Carl Coffey: yeah, I just, I feel bad for the people, who were like my family, they don't know how much I struggle with this.
They don't know what it means to me and people who like will have their family members laugh at them or, just be really rude about it. I always wonder, what can I say to a person like that? Who, someone or, A source does a port like family who should, who they should be able to fall back on.
what can I say to help that person and just say, it's going to be better and it's going to be okay, because it's that's your family? what do you do that? Yeah.
Uri Schneider: first of all, I think acknowledging it, that it's stinks, And it going back to Carl's first question, there is, there's so much here.
I just want to try to pull. Couple of really sweet things and turn them into some practicals for some folks. And then I've got one more question to bounce off you guys, and then it's Sunday morning, but Doug edited things and Nita, thank you guys. Keep commenting and liking. We'll get to it. I know Carl's going to diligently go through this and Britney's going to watch him.
and she'll chime in where she feels there's need for correction. I would just say, you know what Carl said and what Brittany said, A lot of people think mistakenly parents think a spouse might think, Oh, they stutter around me at home. I must make them nervous. That must be a bad thing. And as Carl said on contraire, it's where I'm most comfortable.
I don't need to think about that. That's not part of the equation. So for a parent or for a spouse or significant other, I think to recognize that if your child's your. Significant other is stuttering more with you. It doesn't necessarily mean there's something to be worried about. It could be the greatest compliment that a person feels the most at ease that they can just be.
They don't have to do any kind of filtering, controlling, imposing any kind of regulation. you're getting the unfiltered version. I think that's just one point I wanted to put out. I think what there was so much that Brittany said, I just wanted to highlight that. as you said, someone that thinks the stuttering is a thing is probably not the right person for you.
Someone that wouldn't accept you for any part of you. as Carl said, it could be a great filter at times when you see that initial reaction. And I heard this from my good friend Sholom Goodman, who has a very strong stutter. And I asked him, what is it like for you? And one of the things he said was a, I don't waste my words.
So I don't use expletives or foul language. I just don't have the. The currency, the budget for that. So it's a gift in that way. I choose my words. and second, he said it's a filtered social filter right away. That first reaction that someone has is very indicative. This is the kind of person I want to be associated with, or be close to or know.
but I think to Brittany's point and she shared it about also like anything else that we might have going on that we're not so proud of. We often get so caught up in our heads and our stories and we project that other people won't tolerate us because we don't really tolerate that in ourselves. And then we make it as if that is the be all and end all.
And we actually amplify exaggerate the whole thing. And in many ways we might even be getting in our own way. So I'm thinking of a young man. He didn't believe that he could. Get married. He didn't think anyone could love him. So he had a bunch of sisters. So his homework, this goes back to your question, Carl, what to do when someone feels they need to fix.
So the first and your last point, when someone has an unsupportive family, I think the first thing is to just acknowledge it and honor it and how crummy and I could use a lot of other words, that must feel not to exaggerate it, not to blow it out of proportion, but if they feel this is hell for them, To be able to tolerate that and not Suze it too fast and not placate it too quickly.
At the same time I sent them home and I asked him to ask his sisters, what's the top five things a woman is looking for in a husband and a boyfriend in a serious relationship, and to come back with the list and let's see, like what's on the list because in his mind, stuttering and fluency is number one, maybe in the top three came back with a top 10.
And what do you know. Fluency and stuttering is not in the list. attentive was how to listen, pays attention to the things that they like enjoy spending time together, even when it's not the things they enjoy. it creates opportunities, creates laughter creates experiences knows how to listen, knows how to talk and knows when to step up.
And it was when to step back. These are the things, or if it's the same thing, if it's an interview for dental school or if it's something in the works fear or whatever, Getting out of our heads and asking ourselves what's the other person looking for? Because sometimes we put stuttering so high on the list or calm, and so high on the list.
It's out of proportion with what the others are. So sometimes doing a little bit of a survey, if you can be really helpful as a practical way to crack that. But I wanted to bring it back exactly to that point. For both of you, any suggestions or tips, Carl, you talked about being so open. You talked about being upfront so that Brittany doesn't have to figure it out because you're so strong and open about it these days you kept alluding to it.
Wasn't always that way. I was just wondering there's two things that happen out there. During the stutter. First one is you got to work on self-acceptance self-love radical self-acceptance and that kind of thing. And then it all clicks in another way. That's out there is like these challenges where you do things outside your comfort zone.
Even if you don't feel it, you commit yourself to do it, fake it till you make it. And eventually through the actions, you start to feel more comfortable. Cause you've. Desensitized yourself through being active in ways that you weren't ready to, but with a group or in your own private space, you've challenged yourself.
I've just wondered if you could reflect on that in terms of obviously each person is different. I believe in terms of what's right. I think each person at the stage of change and a shout out to Sarah MacIntyre and the stuttering foundation, great podcast with my good friends, hope Gerlach and, Nomi Rogers on the stages of change.
So important, but overall. The concept of what you talked about self-advocacy, which is what I frame it as a disclosure advertising at the job in relationships at the crews, putting it on the table, the relationship between that. And self-acceptance how do you see it as chicken and egg, in other words, which comes first, putting yourself out there or getting comfortable by yourself with your own self, and then being able to message that to the world.
What's the relationship. And Brittany, you could reflect too, whether it's on your own stuff or on the stuttering.
Carl Coffey: Yeah. so for me, I think that. People will treat us how we let them treat us. And when I say that, if I'm approaching someone in a very Oh, I'm very meek. And I, I'm appearing like, Oh, I don't know about stuttering.
I don't know. they'll look to us and see, how should I react around this person? if I look. That I like, I'm very much uncomfortable with it and I don't want to acknowledge it. And I'm talking to someone and I'm just not mean not maintaining eye contact that person there they'll think, they are uncomfortable with it, so I'm going to be uncomfortable with it, so I really do think that people take their cues from us.
whereas if I'm. At least appearing to be comfortable and okay. With stuttering, even though my mind, I'm like, gosh, I'm just struggling. If I'm like keeping my head up and looking to be okay, then that kind of lets the person know that, okay, this person seems okay with it. So I'm going to be okay with it.
Like I, I was actually talking to a recruiter, the. Other day and kind of having a phone interview for something. And before we really got started, I said, Hey, I just want to let you know, I'm a person who stutters. And so you might hear some disfluency when we're talking, just know that, I'm still here and, I just want to let you know that's just how I talk.
And she said, thank you for it. Letting me know that I really appreciate it. And she said, aren't, we can go ahead. And to me, just like being able to put that out there and not being apologetic for it, I used to be very much I'm really sorry. I stutter. And I would just be like, I would make people.
Probably I was projecting my feelings. Like I was very uncomfortable. And so I would project that discomfort and I'm sure the person, they didn't know what to do with that. And they're like, okay. But now I try and just, I try and talk about it in an unapologetic way. It's just how I talk going back to the point of what.
Anita said, if we could just get to the point of stuttering being something like an accent and not something to, think of it as something bad or dirty, like it's just how people talk. that will be perfect. That will be an ideal state world. And I think that for me, I've tried my best to anytime I'm talking to someone, like I am more okay than I was about just saying, Hey, a stutter.
And I figured that, it, that next person that they meet who stutters, they may not be that way, but at least now this person knows, like they've met a person who stutters. And so they know that if maybe someone is if someone is struggling to get something out, they're not gonna laugh in that person's face.
They're gonna wait because they met someone who stutters someone that is okay with it. And so now they know, this is how I should respond.
Brittney Coffey: So that's what I was going to say. I feel like that helps them understand how to react because a lot of people, they might just be uncomfortable. So they don't know what it is.
They don't know what to say. They don't know whether to make a joke. And if you just say Hey, I stutter for me, that would help me think, Oh, okay. Then I know how to react with this person. I. I can focus on what our goal is versus What's going on with his speech, So I feel like that's really helpful even for the other person on the other side.
Carl Coffey: Yeah. And from the perspective of talking to the recruiter, I didn't want her to be, so if I did have blocks or disfluencies, I didn't want her to be focusing on that to say, wasn't this guy, is he lying? Like, why, is it, did he maybe not work at this job? did he not do this thing?
I didn't want her to think. Oh, my gosh, what is he tripping over his words about? I wanted her to know, Oh, okay. He stutters. And I wanted her to focus on what I was saying and not necessarily how I said it, because for me, I want you to focus on the message of what I'm saying. because for me, I would think if I'm trying to put myself in the perspective of a person who doesn't stutter, if I were to meet someone and if they were disfluent like, I probably wouldn't know what's going on.
And so I probably would be thinking. What's going on with this guy? is he nervous? Is he drunk? Is he tired? Like I probably would be thinking about all of those things and not really focusing on the message. Whereas the visa, if someone just said, Hey, I stutter, I would know. Okay. Boom. That's what's going on.
All right. I get that. Now let me focus on what this guy is saying. yeah, in that is, I feel like I'm saying it so Oh, it's easy, but it's not like that is such a difficult point to get that, get to that place. And I don't want to underscore how much courage it takes to get to that place.
And I just think it really goes to show you that. Stuttering and being open about it is such a brave thing. It's you're basically putting all of your, vulnerability out there. And really, I think people who stutter are the most brave people in the world. I am a bit biased, but like to get up every day and to speak and do the thing that a lot of times you fear doing, but you have to do it like.
That takes so much courage and bravery. And I know that it's easy for us to get down on ourselves, but if you just realize how much, just like oomph that takes, just knowing that, you're probably going to stumble, but doing it anyway, that's huge. That's huge. And, I just want people to realize Hey, just doing that is a really brave thing.
And you know what? You can do brave. You can do hard things. You just, you just have to keep doing it. And it might not feel normal or natural or comfortable, but. Eventually as you said, you think it till you make it, you just keep doing these things and it'll get easier with time.
I know that I still have moments where I'm still uncomfortable. I'll be in public and we'll be going out with some of Brittany's friends and I'm still uncomfortable to stutter around some people. but I was talking to, Cody packer last week and we were speaking about it and it's No, we all have to get to the point of saying, what am I uncomfortable with?
Like, why am I still uncomfortable in this situation? And I think for me, part of me still has that fear of, are people going to judge me? What are they going to say? I think inherently, we all want to be liked. And we all want to be appreciated. So I am more comfortable with stuttering at work because those people know that I stutter, but when I meet new people, like I still have that feeling of, I want these people to like me and what are they going to think?
You're never going to be this perfect person who does it right. All the time. we're all just doing the best that we can every day and we're learning and we're growing and that's all you can do. So I know that this wasn't the question. And a lot of times she'll laugh cause I veer off into tangents.
But if you hear nothing else from me, it's just,
Uri Schneider: Say it loud, say it proud
Carl Coffey: I will. I'm black and I'm proud. Yeah. that too. you just have to wake up and just do it every day and just keep doing it and you know what, like it's never gonna be perfect. You're never gonna have arrived to the point of it's always great.
You just have to keep working at it. And just, keep trying and if you, if you fall down three times, you get up for right. That's what the same is. You just have to always constantly just be trying and just know that you'll get better. It'll be better.
Brittney Coffey: I think it's important to do things, even if you're uncomfortable.
Like even if in the moment you are very uncomfortable, it's fine to be uncomfortable. You just have to keep putting yourself out there. And you might be uncomfortable. And then I feel like you said, that desensitizes you, but it's okay to
Carl Coffey: be uncomfortable. Yeah. Yeah. I've got a story. I've got a frame.
That's
Uri Schneider: very powerful.
Carl Coffey: Used to draw no quick point. I have a friend who used to drive and I'm sure it still drives insanely. And we would always get out of the car and be like, Oh my gosh, you could have killed us. And they would always be like, what did you die? And I was like, no, we didn't die. I thought we were going to, like you you feel, yeah,
Uri Schneider: There is a fantastic transition because the one thing I want to say. Which is, and then I'm going to kick it to Brittany to take us home. She gets the last word because she didn't get as many words as the rest of us. It's funny. It's funny. When you have a speech therapist and you got a guy who stutters, then the other person doesn't get enough words in that's.
Cause she's a great educator and a patient. What I want it to say, this is a story which I'll do a Facebook live after this call that I was thinking about when it, it comes to what sometimes is surprising the asset of being a person who stutters, but I'll share that on a Facebook live after this, but I just want it to reflect on the way that both of you responded to the question of which comes first, like the self-acceptance or the ability to put yourself out there and advocate self-advocacy and it seems it's a chicken and egg thing.
they play off each other. And, Carl, you mentioned if you're not positioning your body language in a way that says I'm okay, it's going to make other people on easy, no matter what you say or don't say, so if you're cagey with your body language, it's going to make other people feel kg. If you don't touch it or mention it could be an elephant in the room.
You mentioned a lot for yourself, Carl, like wondering are they going to judge me? Are they going to think I'm less competent? Isn't that. And you want to get that off the table for them, because you want them to focus on the content of what you have to say. The other part of that is the other person, whether it's your wife or the interviewer
Carl Coffey: recruiter, colleague,
Uri Schneider: whatever friend, they want you to be free to say what you want to say.
Because as long as you're monitoring that, there's like a certain
Carl Coffey: allocation of resources going to monitoring it,
Uri Schneider: whether you're doing anything with it or not, but the minute you just put it on the table, You make often make them more comfortable and you make yourself more comfortable and you just free things up for a much richer, more open, authentic interaction and connection.
So
Carl Coffey: I
Uri Schneider: think your responses both, you were just absolutely enlightening. And I think again, I just want to highlight again and again, everybody's different and everybody's at different stage in the journey. And
Carl Coffey: some
Uri Schneider: people have wonderfully supportive family and significant others and others are really going at it alone.
And had been
Carl Coffey: through a lot of hard times and whoever you are and whatever your setup
Uri Schneider: is, just know that there are communities that will listen, and that will bring you in with
Carl Coffey: open arms and you can feel
Uri Schneider: a part of something
Carl Coffey: bigger than just yourself.
Uri Schneider: You're not alone. so I
Carl Coffey: encourage everybody to
Uri Schneider: find those places.
It could be the national stuttering association or so many other wonderful organizations or Facebook groups. And as Brittany's wisdom says, if anyone's not giving you the time of day, it could be online in it in a support group. It could be in your family. It could be in any relationship. It's probably a good idea to figure out who are people that are toxic, who are people that are not
Carl Coffey: good for you and move
Uri Schneider: away from those people and find the people that are healthy and supportive for you.
Cause they're out there. And, with that, thank both of you for your time and just want to give Brittany the opportunity to take us
Carl Coffey: home with. Some
Uri Schneider: Southern comfort,
Brittney Coffey: some wisdom. I don't know. I guess it was
Uri Schneider: just like for you, whatever, like what would you like to
Carl Coffey: reflect on the sort of conversation we had?
Brittney Coffey: I just think it's really important to be okay with feeling uncomfortable. I just feel like people should get comfortable with feeling uncomfortable and then they can break those barriers and. even if their body language is kg, like the first time it's okay. Do it again. Might be kg the second time.
It's okay. Do it again. Like I just feel like it's okay to be uncomfortable with stuttering with anything. And I feel like that is what truly helps you to grow as a person. To not feel like you need to be comfortable or comforted all the time, it's okay to feel uncomfortable and to be sweating and to be freaking out like it's okay.
So I felt like that's
Uri Schneider: out there. That is such wisdom. And the beauty is, as I said, Carl, mr. Spokesman board member of the NSA such privilege. Whatever I am as a speech language pathologist, I know a thing or two, and I teach a lot of people and I lead a team at Schneider speech, but you said so succinctly and so beautifully what neither of us were able to achieve
Carl Coffey: in so few words.
Uri Schneider: It's okay to be uncomfortable.
Carl Coffey: And I
Uri Schneider: think that's a great message to take home a wise man, a friend of mine who unfortunately, was a victim of terror too early, but he had a line. He said, if you live in life as comfortable, you're not living life.
Carl Coffey: And so life
Uri Schneider: is about getting a little uncomfortable because that's where
Carl Coffey: you grow.
And,
Uri Schneider: thank you both. it's a privilege to share this time with you. And we'll schedule around three. Thanks for sticking around everybody. Your comments, your questions. I'll share that awesome story in a moment, but yeah, share this. There's so much greatness here. And again, we're going to try to put together a clip of highlights for the end of the year of 2020, who doesn't need to find some highlights in 2020.
So this is number 27 and we haven't another 10 or so lined up that are going to be absolutely incredible. and, we want to put together the highlights. So people have some good things to remember within all these challenging times. So I bless everybody and wish everybody a beautiful day, make the most of it.
And we just finished stuttering awareness month. I had this thought, this reflection, Carl now is the real test, right? Like when the spotlight's on and international attention is on that's the easy part. The question is what happens the day after the month after, how are we. Rolling that forward. So I'm excited to see everything that Carl's doing as much.
We didn't talk about, but support for employment, especially as a new, big initiative at the NSA. So if you're looking for a job and trying to figure out how to navigate that whole space, relationships, your own, self-acceptance your journey with yourself. You're looking for help. You want to go further. You want to find a professional.
There is help. You are not alone. And again, thank you, Brittany and Carl and the dog, and, wish everybody a great day.
Carl Coffey: Thank you. I appreciate it.
Uri Schneider: All right, don't go anywhere.